In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
