Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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