She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
