im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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