I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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