I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
