I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
