last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
