We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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