how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
