he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
