my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
