they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
