I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
