My friends, they love my intelligence
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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