I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
