i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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