I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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