I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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