There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
