My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
