I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
