saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
