We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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