ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
