im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
