Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
