And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
