Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
