that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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