Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
