So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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