I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My underwear smells like fireworks.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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