I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize