my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize