I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
