On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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