For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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