Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
