do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
