I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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