I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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