hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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