i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
That reminds me...we need to get swords
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
