I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
This girl is more easily done than said...
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
