Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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