a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
