Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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