He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
