Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
