Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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