i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize