Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
