im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
