I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
