She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Randomize
