Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm really busy with my period
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