When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the day after is always just damage control
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize