im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
