Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
